Quit trying to convince yourself that you're fine with how things are, or that you're fine with your job or you're fine with that major.
If I could go back, I would have majored in theater performance. I wouldn't have minored in it. You know why I minored in it?
Because I was terrified of creating something that I put my whole heart into creating and having someone tell me something was wrong with it or that it wasn't good enough.
I majored in English because it was interesting enough. If a peer or a professor criticized my research paper or told me to change something, I wouldn't take it too personally. But I have always taken criticism of my creative work so deeply, deeply personally that to really expose myself to criticism, to risk being told that I wasn't naturally gifted or that I hadn't blown someone completely away, was really risking my heart.
See, I started writing as a kid. And acting, and singing. I played piano and violin. I wrote stories. Full plays when I was in 4th grade. Novels in 5th and 6th grade. I made videos of myself. I put on plays for friends and family, plays that I wrote and then gathered all the neighborhood kids up to perform. I recorded tapes of myself singing all kinds of songs. I tried started a band when I was 10. It was an all-girl band, and that's all I'll say.
My first opportunity to try out for a play, I was all over that. I acted competitively in UIL speech and theater (and kicked xss at it) from 6th grade until just at the end of high school when I had a falling out with my theatre teachers over a ton of things, but mainly just the fact that I'm over-sensitive and at that time there was no one really teaching me how to work through my more or less unwarranted emotions. It was kind of traumatic for me. It definitely ended traumatically, anyway.
I grew up being told that I was amazing and gifted because for a kid, maybe I was. The same things don't carry over to adulthood with quite the same novelty. As an adult, no one really calls you amazing. And as an adolescent, no one really explained this to me.
So, in short ... I didn't major in theater performance because I loved acting so much that I was terrified of having to face the fact that one of the only things I really, really loved doing, was something I was sub par at. I majored in English. I became a teacher. Everyone in my family had been a teacher. I should be decent at that, I guess. And I was. And when I wasn't, and when people told me I wasn't, I just took their advice and tried to make changes.
More importantly, when I took my licensing exam, my "skill" was measured quantitatively.
Being criticized quantitatively is a completely different ball game than being criticized qualitatively. It's ability versus effect. It's being able to run a six-minute mile versus whether or not people care that you can or how pretty you look while you do it.
I also used to be a musician. I always turned down offers to form bands or play in other venues across the state because I was terrified that, the more into the limelight I got, the more I'd be forced to look at myself and be unsatisfied. And then where would I be?
Because I hated looking at myself. I never thought I was pretty. I only ever saw flaws. I'd see other female musicians ( -- don't even get me started on female musicians and who gets popular versus who doesn't. No, the mix is not homogenous. But yes, the pot's disproportionate in my opinion -- ) and believe that no one would take me seriously if I couldn't lose 20 pounds. I was an obsessive dieter. I still have issues. This isn't where I talk about them though. I just did what I could to either stay out of people's line of sight or look like I didn't care when I was in it. I wrote songs for them. I didn't dress up for them. Why?
Because I really wanted to look good in a sleeveless dress and tall boots, but I have huge upper arms and even bigger calves and so I wasn't going to, and I had convinced myself that there was something sexy and cavalier about bedhead and a faded Die Radio Die t-shirt with a hole in the shoulder.
I even quit writing for the same reasons. I began to become my own worst critic. I told myself that story ideas that hadn't even been fully fleshed out yet were stupid. The poems I was writing were too melodramatic and I needed to get over myself. Even this entry. I'm worried that all these line breaks make me look like I'm 14 writing on LiveJournal again. I want to tell you that as a form of protection, so that you know I'm not oblivious to this fact and write me off.
You know when people are proud of you? People are proud of you when you finish school and find a job, and they get all a twitter when you buy your first car and you buy property. And for a second, they even kind of want to be you, just a little bit. They're just a little jealous.
But what's the point if you don't want to be you? What if you only want to be you in a one-bedroom apartment with someone you love and a burgeoning photography business or writing career?
So do what you want. Don't let people tell you otherwise. Get rejected, let it hurt, and then GET BETTER. And keep doing it. Tell yourself you suck, and then keep doing it. Let someone else tell you that you suck. And then keep doing it.
Realize that you'll probably never be fully satisfied with your art because it's your art. And maybe you aren't really supposed to be fully satisfied with it. Because once you're satisfied, then what? Then, realize that not everyone will be satisfied with your art because that's just the nature of art.
So do it. If you do it while you procrastinate, then do it anyway. Find a way. Make a way. Make a list of what you're willing to sacrifice and do it. Be fearless and realize that we only get one chance at this - only ONE CHANCE. Don't be a sissy. Oh, wait - you're 26 with a mortgage and a family? STILL NOT TOO LATE.
The best thing about all of this is that it's never actually too late.
I have to keep reminding myself of that.
