I've been sort of down, lately.

Is that okay to admit?

There is such a stigma associated with vulnerability in our society. It's true.

I think for me, personally, the fear is that anyone I open up to will assume that I now expect something from them. This isn't the case at all.

I open up when I think people will benefit from my vulnerability, the aforementioned stigma in mind. It isn't that I'm anyone particularly special, but I can be that one person someone might encounter today who I can truly say, "I know that feel." I think that's really all anyone needs at times.

I've been down because I think I'm the most disappointed in humanity that I've ever been.

I'm down because my husband and I work hard in school and are destined to be straddled with debt while people like Snookie and J-Woww are rolling in the dough when they really ought to be paying some kind of dumb b%*#! tax.

I'm down because whenever I check my Facebook feed, it's just always the same crap. Over and over and over again.

I'm down because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know what I enjoy, and I know what I can do well, but the propensity to fail at these things is completely overwhelming.

I'm down because it's summer, and I've been landlocked for three years, and I just want to go to the beach.

I'm down because money really doesn't grow on trees and as much as I try not to, I can't help but worry about our future.

I'm down because sometimes I feel like a phony.

I'm down because it took three years, but I'm finally beginning to really miss everyone I knew in Texas.

I figured that by twenty-six, I would have overcome many of my body image hang ups, and I haven't. And I realize that these things won't get any prettier with age. I wish I could just have a moment seeing myself like everyone else sees me. Or maybe I don't.

Even the "blogosphere" makes me sad. It's hard to find anyone trying to do anything different. It's hard to find anyone trying to be truly novel with their style, or going the complete opposite direction and being totally complacent about style.

By morning I'm usually much better. Sometimes all I need is a good night's sleep. It just seems that lately, that hasn't been enough.

What's the Focus?

I was a musician for a long time. It didn't pay the rent, but it's how I spent more than half my waking hours for several years. I guess I kind of still am in that I still write music and my husband and I are slowly, slowly piecing together a collaborative project. That being said, occasionally the topic of genre comes up and it's just one of those questions that most of the time, you just don't really know how to answer.

What I'm trying to articulate is that ... I really can't decide on a focus for this blog.

I mean, there's the title: the Cinephile's Wife. I am that. My husband is total nerd pants film geek. Most of our friends are, too. A good 2/3 of our daily conversation has something to do with film, music, books, and the occasional TV series.

But I'm also someone's mom. So then, you know, there's that $%^@ing mommy-blog route.

For a while I was like, yay, now whenever I try a new recipe I can take pictures along the way and post them and talk about it, and blah, blah, blah.

I can pin things on Pinterest and make them and show you guys.

I guess that's okay.

But frankly ... I don't think I can dedicate effort spent writing to something like that.

Writing means a lot to me. There is no other medium like it. None. If not for prose and lyrics I'd be strapped down in some rehab center somewhere. I know that sounds extreme but I'm only just slightly not kidding. That in mind, I just don't think I can bring myself to write about making my own Febreze when I'd much rather be writing about something more meaningful. Not that anyone likes reading about meaningful things, but whatever.

Then there's that other thing. Jesus. "Religion and spirituality." That's major. It's everything to me, actually.

And while he's a fabulous topic, I feel like part of my calling is to draw attention to some of the nuances of life, and of the world, and so therefore this couldn't really be a completely spiritual blog, either.

So ... I hope you're okay with these things.

If you've come here looking for nine thousand photos of my daughter, you probably won't get them. Those are on Facebook. And Instagram.

If you're looking for daily devotionals from a foul-mouthed semi-cynic ... they won't be daily. But they will be meaningful.

If you're looking to see what I wore today ... it just doesn't matter. So, good luck with that.

And film/book/TV reviews ... they're laughable, but I'll try.

We can definitely listen to some music though.


This has seriously been rocking my world for a couple weeks now.