The Cinephile's Wife

I've been sort of down, lately.

Is that okay to admit?

There is such a stigma associated with vulnerability in our society. It's true.

I think for me, personally, the fear is that anyone I open up to will assume that I now expect something from them. This isn't the case at all.

I open up when I think people will benefit from my vulnerability, the aforementioned stigma in mind. It isn't that I'm anyone particularly special, but I can be that one person someone might encounter today who I can truly say, "I know that feel." I think that's really all anyone needs at times.

I've been down because I think I'm the most disappointed in humanity that I've ever been.

I'm down because my husband and I work hard in school and are destined to be straddled with debt while people like Snookie and J-Woww are rolling in the dough when they really ought to be paying some kind of dumb b%*#! tax.

I'm down because whenever I check my Facebook feed, it's just always the same crap. Over and over and over again.

I'm down because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know what I enjoy, and I know what I can do well, but the propensity to fail at these things is completely overwhelming.

I'm down because it's summer, and I've been landlocked for three years, and I just want to go to the beach.

I'm down because money really doesn't grow on trees and as much as I try not to, I can't help but worry about our future.

I'm down because sometimes I feel like a phony.

I'm down because it took three years, but I'm finally beginning to really miss everyone I knew in Texas.

I figured that by twenty-six, I would have overcome many of my body image hang ups, and I haven't. And I realize that these things won't get any prettier with age. I wish I could just have a moment seeing myself like everyone else sees me. Or maybe I don't.

Even the "blogosphere" makes me sad. It's hard to find anyone trying to do anything different. It's hard to find anyone trying to be truly novel with their style, or going the complete opposite direction and being totally complacent about style.

By morning I'm usually much better. Sometimes all I need is a good night's sleep. It just seems that lately, that hasn't been enough.