I've been sort of down, lately.

Is that okay to admit?

There is such a stigma associated with vulnerability in our society. It's true.

I think for me, personally, the fear is that anyone I open up to will assume that I now expect something from them. This isn't the case at all.

I open up when I think people will benefit from my vulnerability, the aforementioned stigma in mind. It isn't that I'm anyone particularly special, but I can be that one person someone might encounter today who I can truly say, "I know that feel." I think that's really all anyone needs at times.

I've been down because I think I'm the most disappointed in humanity that I've ever been.

I'm down because my husband and I work hard in school and are destined to be straddled with debt while people like Snookie and J-Woww are rolling in the dough when they really ought to be paying some kind of dumb b%*#! tax.

I'm down because whenever I check my Facebook feed, it's just always the same crap. Over and over and over again.

I'm down because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know what I enjoy, and I know what I can do well, but the propensity to fail at these things is completely overwhelming.

I'm down because it's summer, and I've been landlocked for three years, and I just want to go to the beach.

I'm down because money really doesn't grow on trees and as much as I try not to, I can't help but worry about our future.

I'm down because sometimes I feel like a phony.

I'm down because it took three years, but I'm finally beginning to really miss everyone I knew in Texas.

I figured that by twenty-six, I would have overcome many of my body image hang ups, and I haven't. And I realize that these things won't get any prettier with age. I wish I could just have a moment seeing myself like everyone else sees me. Or maybe I don't.

Even the "blogosphere" makes me sad. It's hard to find anyone trying to do anything different. It's hard to find anyone trying to be truly novel with their style, or going the complete opposite direction and being totally complacent about style.

By morning I'm usually much better. Sometimes all I need is a good night's sleep. It just seems that lately, that hasn't been enough.

What's the Focus?

I was a musician for a long time. It didn't pay the rent, but it's how I spent more than half my waking hours for several years. I guess I kind of still am in that I still write music and my husband and I are slowly, slowly piecing together a collaborative project. That being said, occasionally the topic of genre comes up and it's just one of those questions that most of the time, you just don't really know how to answer.

What I'm trying to articulate is that ... I really can't decide on a focus for this blog.

I mean, there's the title: the Cinephile's Wife. I am that. My husband is total nerd pants film geek. Most of our friends are, too. A good 2/3 of our daily conversation has something to do with film, music, books, and the occasional TV series.

But I'm also someone's mom. So then, you know, there's that $%^@ing mommy-blog route.

For a while I was like, yay, now whenever I try a new recipe I can take pictures along the way and post them and talk about it, and blah, blah, blah.

I can pin things on Pinterest and make them and show you guys.

I guess that's okay.

But frankly ... I don't think I can dedicate effort spent writing to something like that.

Writing means a lot to me. There is no other medium like it. None. If not for prose and lyrics I'd be strapped down in some rehab center somewhere. I know that sounds extreme but I'm only just slightly not kidding. That in mind, I just don't think I can bring myself to write about making my own Febreze when I'd much rather be writing about something more meaningful. Not that anyone likes reading about meaningful things, but whatever.

Then there's that other thing. Jesus. "Religion and spirituality." That's major. It's everything to me, actually.

And while he's a fabulous topic, I feel like part of my calling is to draw attention to some of the nuances of life, and of the world, and so therefore this couldn't really be a completely spiritual blog, either.

So ... I hope you're okay with these things.

If you've come here looking for nine thousand photos of my daughter, you probably won't get them. Those are on Facebook. And Instagram.

If you're looking for daily devotionals from a foul-mouthed semi-cynic ... they won't be daily. But they will be meaningful.

If you're looking to see what I wore today ... it just doesn't matter. So, good luck with that.

And film/book/TV reviews ... they're laughable, but I'll try.

We can definitely listen to some music though.


This has seriously been rocking my world for a couple weeks now.

Weekend Playlist

Here are some songs I haven't been able to get out of head this week. To be honest, I've been reminiscing a lot this week. Most of these songs probably won't be particularly new to anyone, because they aren't new, period. But even if you aren't, I hope they take you back. They definitely take me back.

And now I just want to be in a movie or something.

Having My Cake and Eating it in Moderation | My Weight Loss / Weight Watchers Experience

This is my "10 pounds lost" photo. I plan to take a photo in this outfit for every 10 or so pounds I lose!

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I was probably on some kind of diet at all times from the age of 16 until about 23 or so. Not kidding. I won't go into where I think it stemmed from, because to be completely honest, I don't know. I had a certain standard I set for myself as a girl that I never felt I could meet, I guess. Add that to being a musician and, about once a year, being involved in acting in some way or another ... I was in the public eye a lot, and very critical of myself.

I have literally done everything from Atkins to these weird pre-surgery fasts I do not recommend. I've even done Weight Watchers back when you actually had to count your fruits and veggies and you got just enough Points to sustain yourself. And I never once made it past around 10 days without completely screwing everything up.

I've weighed at least 140 since the 8th grade. 140, which I always thought was just huge- I now realize that's hardly the case at all. Now that I've been pregnant and survived pre-eclampsia which sent me home from the hospital at 205 libres, anyway. Yeah, I have stretch marks on my calves. True story.

Sometime right around my move to Indiana in 2009, I was just done with dieting. I honestly became a little phobic of it, I think. I had tortured myself with diets for so many years that I finally just resigned myself to eating whatever it was that I felt like eating since my boyfriend thought I was hot and everyone kept telling me that I didn't need to lose weight in the first place. At the time I was still around 135, my lowest weight since 125 which I reached during a time of great dumped-ness.

Fast forward to post E, and I'm at 160, a number I swore I'd never see, not ever. I mean, I once went on a consultation for arm liposuction when I lived in Houston - yes, I did that! The baby/water weight was gone, and I was left with what I had done to myself, because I love the crap out of food. I just do.

Why did I kept screwing up?
First and foremost, my perception of time was so, way off. If I'd been dieting for a week, it seriously felt more like a month and I wanted to know why I wasn't skinny right now. Second of all, I was surrounded by beautiful girls who were on average at least twenty pounds lighter than me, and they were able to eat whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted to eat it. More importantly, my expectations were skewed. The notion that "it's a lifestyle, not a diet" was somehow impossible for me to grasp. Impossible. So as long as I ate "differently" than my peers, I was not in a world I enjoyed very much.

So what's different now? I've been on Weight Watchers for eight weeks, I've lost nearly 15 pounds, and I'm more than ready to keep going. Why this has worked this time and not other times for me is really, really important for me to think about. There's that saying, "If I can do this, you can." I'm not kidding. I'm seriously, seriously, seriously not, though.

Why am I succeeding now? -- Because it really is a lifestyle. And no one needs cheesecake more than once a week ... no one.
This go-around with Weight Watchers has really taught me something that I never quite learned in the past: nachos are awesome and they are not off limits. The problem is that the average American meal is obscenely starchy and fatty. We love our cheese fries and burgers and fried chicken and huge plates of pasta, and we have no idea that that isn't really how we're supposed to do it.

Think of it this way. Your car runs on unleaded fuel. Treating your car with the swanky SUPER unleaded stuff is extra yummy for it, but you just don't have the budget to do that all the time ... our bodies are similar.

"The problem is that the average American meal is obscenely starchy and fatty. We love our cheese fries and burgers and fried chicken and huge plates of pasta, and we have no idea that that isn't really how we're supposed to do it."

Our bodies love what most people consider rabbit food. Our bodies love lean meats, green veggies, tasty fruits and lots of water ... but an Olive Garden smorgasbord isn't the end of the world for it either. That stuff - the stuff that us Americans consider just an average, every day dinner? That stuff is special occasion stuff. That stuff is swanky, super unleaded goodness that we budget for.

Another great analogy: if you're a shoe connoisseur (and I am not) there's truly nothing wrong with saving up your pennies and dropping $200 on a hot new pair of kicks. But what if you shopped like that every day? Just bought crap, hundreds of dollars worth of crap, ever day? That's taboo. That's a financial disaster waiting to happen. We don't seem to view food the same way.

If you want a Baconator (mmm, bacon) save up for a Baconator. But just know that having one every day is just asking for trouble.

Oh, did I mention I have a daughter? And that she's going to notice how I take care of myself and mimic what I do? And that I want her to see a woman with a sense of self-control and self-confidence she can then take after? Yeah. That's a big one!

Why does it matter? You really aren't that overweight.
It matters because it matters to me. That's why it matters. I no longer think I'm "fat" like I did several years ago, but you know what? I wasn't eating right. I wasn't exercising (that's another entry.) What would happen if I did eat right? What will happen when I do exercise? The goal here isn't what it used to be. Sure, I am paying attention to a number on a scale. I have an ultimate goal of 125, which is a weight I was really happy at several years ago. (Okay, not happy in life, but I felt decent about my body.) That's my gauge there. And if I continue eating how I'm eating and if I keep up with my running (please God, help me keep up with my running) and I never make it to 125, the point is that my body will have figured out where it wants to be. It will regulate, it will have everything it needs and nothing it doesn't. That's what matters the most.

Later, I'll map out what my eating week looks like and any tips I think have helped me out the best.

As for now, I am just going to think about nachos.

Our girl, Evey.

We're kind of smitten.

Eisley is Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift - Safe & Sound - Music - More Music Videos

Eisley = Taylor Swift?

The Descendants

I cried. That never happens. Never. You could have killed Bambi's entire family and I'd have just told you that was sad, but this movie made me cry. Not a whole lot, but with some effort a tear managed to make its way out of my right eye during one scene in particular, and that's saying a lot.

This is one of those movies I wish I'd written. It's about a family fallen on some hard times - death, teen angst, infidelity - and their journey up and through it. I can't say that everyone would relate to every thing, but but everyone has felt, at sometime, like these characters must feel ... and so, I cried. But, I also laughed! Which is also fairly hard to do. I guess I should have said that in the beginning.

Guys, this movie made me emote.

It's also set in Hawaii. I think that's important because, I don't know ... sometimes it seems like everyone in Hawaii is happy, and, well, I guess they aren't. Hawaiians are real people.

Another thing I really liked is the 10 year old daughter. She's awkward and a little chubby and I was too, at 10. Like you wouldn't believe.

Wow, I'm really trying here ...

Okay, okay. Here's what I think about this movie. I think this movie is awesome. I enjoyed it. I felt something, and my husband always tells me a good movie is not an escapist film, but a film that invokes your emotions, and mine were totally invoked. You'll like this if you like honest movies about families that make it out alive, campiness excluded.

And here's what Austin said about it on Facebook:

"Honestly, the last half of this film is very effective. The first half is a classic Payne "dramedy," but the last half is the best work of his career, in my opinion (although I haven't seen Citizen Ruth or About Schmidt). I am surprised this once best picture at the Golden Globes, but I'm glad a great film won nonetheless."

I say, go see it.